Help wanted: Defensive coordinator of Dallas Cowboys. Responsibilities: Entire defense. Duties: Whatever.

Jason Garrett will not be the RHG: Rams' Head Genius.

The bad news for Garrett was that he did not get the St. Louis Rams' head coach's position. The good news is that New York Giants defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo did, so Garrett will no longer have to face Spagnuolo's defense twice a year.

Things are so uncertain on the Cowboys' coaching staff these days that rumors have one assistant applying for jobs with both teams in the East-West Shrine Game.

Q: Why did heroic US Airways pilot Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger III decline an invitation to Valley Ranch? A: He said not even he could land that mess.

Ollie the Optimist says that the silver lining in the settlement of the case of Michael Young v. Texas Rangers is that now the Rangers can bank on a lot of parents buying No. 10 jerseys for their kids.

Young said his move from shortstop to third base will be difficult. "I told my wife," Young said, "I might as well be moving to left field." Hey, I wouldn't be giving them any ideas.

I can just see Chuck Morgan walking around his house practicing saying, "third baseman , Michael Young."

Heisman Trophy winner Sam Bradford decided not to come out early for the NFL Draft. Among the reasons Bradford cited was his desire to pursue a national championship with the Oklahoma Sooners. Among the reasons he did not cite was that the Detroit Lions own the first pick.

USC quarterback Mark Sanchez was among those deciding to leave for the draft, saying he leaves with "a heavy heart." Which, no doubt, will be comforted by a heavy wallet.

You mean Tim Tebow had right shoulder surgery last week and didn't perform the surgery on himself?

When I heard that Tebow had undergone surgery, I thought it was to have Thom Brennaman detached.

Reading that billionaire Mark Cuban had been fined $25,000 by the NBA reminded me of the old question about when a train and a fly meet head-on, does the train stop? (All I know for sure is that the fly comes to a dead stop.)

It wouldn't be surprising to learn that Chris Paul has a countdown clock in his house counting down the time until his next game against the Dallas Mavericks.

The worst thing for Jon Gruden about being fired by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers was that it did not happen soon enough for him to try to get the Indianapolis Colts' job so he could win another Super Bowl with Tony Dungy's team.

The New York Giants will not be defending their Super Bowl championship, but I am not counting them out for a return next year. I hate to say this with the Plaxico Burress situation, but I fully expect the Giants to reload for next season.

The forecast for today's Baltimore Ravens-Pittsburgh Steelers game calls for a high around 30. That's temperature and total points.

I'm not saying that the Arizona Cardinals being one game from the Super Bowl was unexpected, but the other day I was in Home Depot and saw a reddish guy with horns and a tail asking about snow blowers.

David Thomas' sports humor column appears Sundays and Wednesdays.

David Thomas, 817-390-7760

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